The fifth story. The story without name.
“From a hundred rabbits you can’t make a horse, a hundred suspicions don’t make a proof”
Fyodor Dostoevsky, “Crime and Punishment”, Part VI, Chapter II.
I was not able to sleep. I had no thoughts, I have stopped them myself. The time has also stopped.
There were no ventilation and windows, the heaters were constantly turned on. There was not enough air.
Someone from my new neighbors gave me a blanket. The dirt was everywhere. The light was turned on 24 hours a day. We were not getting out of place except in case of visiting a toilet. You cannot sleep and this exhausts you.
I clearly remember that I quickly realized: I should not eat, just drink. There is no free access to the toilet that’s why the food is not needed.
Then I was said that several times I was called for custodial questioning, but I remember nothing about this. Everything merged into one picture.
I haven’t visited shower for more than three days. This is the very first experience in my life. I smelled my own sweat very hard but my co-prisoners stayed silent.
My hair, teeth, face and hands – everything was in a dirt.
Dirt was inside of me. Dirt was around me.
Dirt is as lie – sticky and thick.
I don’t remember when but, it seems to me, after two days, there came three men and told me to sign the document on my detention. “Mtsyri” was also among them, I have told you about him in my first story.
I told them that I am not able to read it without my glasses.
One of them started to read it fast for me.
I haven’t remembered the whole text, only the parts of it: “sabotage and subversion activity” and something else, that didn’t fit in my head.
My answer was predictable: “I won’t sign because I have done nothing and cannot be blamed”.
Some of the men told: “Than you won’t get the delivery”. I have answered: “Ok. I don’t need it. I am not going to sign anything. You have deceived me. The conversation is over”.
“Mtsyri” have entered the cage and placed himself before the Beautiful Woman, and started to open and close the handcuffs.
It seemed he have been playing with them.
The Beautiful Woman, my cellmate, in a calm and polite manner asked him to stop.
B.W.: Please, can you stop clicking the handcuffs?
B.W.: Why do you speak to us like that? What are we to blame for?
М.: There are no innocent here, if you are here than you are guilty.
In this moment, as my son says, without a permission “I have entered” the conversation.
Me: If you are saying that everyone who are here can be blamed in something, it means everyone who works here in your service – are liars.
М.: I haven’t lied to you.
Me: Does it matter? You are just the part of the system and just told us that everyone who is sitting here are guilty. I’m just following Your own logic.
All the men who came to take my signature were back and explained me for one more time that, in the end, my signature means nothing.
It has no influence. I answered them that I understand but still will not sign anything.
The sounded charges – are unreal. Than somebody’s voice spoke again: “Than you’ll not get the package”. I didn’t answer to this.
Later, when they were going away, I heard: “Listen men, she makes everything right, if she is not guilty than she should sign nothing.”
The situation was turning out infernal and colorful.
Everybody went way. I turned to the wall again.
The guardian came in 10 minutes and gave me the package. It was the delivery from my mom, packed together with Olga Kosse.
I have opened the package. There were clean linens, clothing, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, water, cigarettes, nuts and fruits. Mom, Olya – it was happiness for me, thank you!
In the evening me and the Beautiful Woman asked the guards about the shower.
The guardian promised to lead us.
He fulfilled his promise.
After taken a shower and cleaning my hear, I have come to the next conclusions:
1. To freeze all the emotions left but not to stop being myself – this is the most important thing now.
2. It is important to make thorough cleaning of everything what surrounds me. I should ask the guardian for permission to clean. It is better to make it with chloride. This smell means cleanness to me.
3. I should not eat, only the water and “night chamber pot” are needed.
4. It is time to make connections with my neighbors and talk to them more closely.
5. The guardians – are the part of my world now and I should get to know them also. They are people and are locals, it is good.
6. I am not for long here. I should pass this time through “without snot” because as the Russian classics said: “The woman should always be fun and with a good temper”. This is a part of my character since the day I was born so it won’t be hard for me.
7. The man always stays human. There are no “bad” or “good”, people are more complicated, and now I need to live through sometime with them.
• You should not cry (it’s for those who can do that), you will make your neighbors sad and nothing more, and they are not in a better situation.
• You should sleep, it can be partial, not long, deep and good sleep, but you really need it.
• Put a program in your head – “films” and “books”, remind yourself and “watch” everything that you have ever read or watched from your list of favorites.
• Do not think about what is going on outside.
Information isolation – this is one of the methods for persons’ depressing, but, if you’ll use this isolation smartly – it would be additional source of force and new knowledge.
Yes, I really meant knowledge.
About new knowledge and skills, I’ll tell you next time.
And I will summarize all said above in the next way.
“We are living in dangerous times. The plague is in our home. It primarily affects the insulted and humiliated, and there are so many of them today”
Boris Strugatskiy, “Fascism” Article, “Neva time” (St. Petersburg)